MARRIAGE, DIVORCE & LIVE-IN-RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships are one of my favorite topics for writing and the above three cover most of the aspects of relationships. Though I have written on these on several occasions, I decided to discus them, together and at length, in response to a short statement, recently made by Sonu Nigam. He said,
“The truth is that marriage is never a happy story. You can never be happily married and I say this openly. In the next 100 years, there will be no marriages. There will be contracts and that’s better that way because the killer of a marriage is security. The moment the woman or the man feels secure ke ab toh ye mere saath mein hai oh! She is going to be with me for her whole life, it’s like OK let’s not make love to her now, next week, and I’m tired today. You won’t do this to your girlfriend because you know she is going to walk away in the morning. The moment you start feeling secure, you start taking people for granted. It’s nobody’s fault. The institution of marriage is now so cumbersome and boring. If you have mutual contracts, three years or four years contract, every day you will feel ki ek din kam ho gaya, one day less. The last six months will be the most romantic months. I understand this clearly and I’ve no qualms talking about it because I’m speaking the plain truth”
I partially agree with Sonu, but would like to rephrase my part of agreement, as, that there is no marriage without problems .Made for each other couples are found only in Mills & Boons novels or in movies. Whenever two individuals work or live together, differences are bound to surface. If there are no differences, then either the two are indifferent or at least one is not exercising his or her individuality. The results however, depend on how we tackle these situations. When we are in making the marriage work mood then even a big conflict is taken in the stride as part of life, but when we are in the marriages do not work, mind frame then even a small issue seems an indication of incompatibility
The main reason for marriages not working is, the fact that people are not ready to accept, adjust, compromise and trust. These are the four pillars of marriage. The needs and expectations of educated, empowered and working women, in life and in bed have rightfully increased and they feel that they are being exploited in the marriage, as men lack emotions and are less expressive. This has lead to increase in the number of divorces, which scares youngsters today, driving them towards live-in –relationships .People today are getting so fascinated about live-in –relationships that they are fighting hard for getting it legalized or to get into contract marriages. The women has been traditionally suppressed and often exploited in spite of empowerment. With the lack of breathing space, one retaliates in vengeance and even the women often behave as irresponsibly as the men, trying to get into temporary relationship and experimental sex.
Love is the strongest bond in marriage, and unlike movies, where love end with marriage, in life love begins with marriage .Even in love marriages, true and real love actually develops after marriage as is evident by the fact that divorce rate is still much higher in love marriages than in arranged marriages. So one should keep that love alive, and that can only happen if we continue working in our marriage and relationship with the spouse continuously, without monotony, taken for granted status and staleness setting in.
A Live-in relation can never replace marriage. Marriage has stood the test of time since time immemorial, in all countries and all societies. It may have its draw-backs or failures but these are far too outnumbered by its benefits and success. Living single may sound very attractive but is not really so. A single man or woman find it the path of least resistance, when they are young, and upwardly mobile, but later in life it is difficult, if not impossible to survive. Money and independence are not enough to live .At some stage; one needs the company and the moral support of a life partner.
Marriage gives permanency to a relation, socail acceptance, a legal family and a life-long security. If unluckily these are not found, then one is always free to walk out of it. Social acceptance to a divorce is definitely more than to a live-in relationship.
The number of successful and permanent live-in-relations is far too little compared to the soured marriages.
Live-in relation may sound attractive initially as it has no hang-ups, but its life is short-lived .It can never have the ethos of a man-woman relationship in totality and is incomplete. Live -in is like living lifelong in a rented house, loving without love, sex without orgasm and living without life. Even living single is not the order of the day, and probably may never be. In majority of these cases it is more out of default than due to choice. Most are initially busy with their careers, and when they finally do decide to settle in life, it’s too late. They have missed the boat
Women who get into temporary relations, where they use men and their company as a post-dinner commodity, to be used and discarded are confused and insecure. In their new avtaar of liberated women, they really don’t know what they want from a relation or from a man and they are doing this just for the heck of it and there is nothing emotional about it.
The emotions of a man have always been misunderstood. Men are as emotional as women if not more but definitely more judicious about its use. They neither go bonkers in expressing it nor do they waste it on every Kate, Keith or Mary. Men have always been subtle in expressing their emotions and stingy about its use. It is available only after he is convinced that the steady or the wife is for keeps. Men are never emotionally available for these one-night -stands.
The present trend of short-lived and disposable attitude can never create an emotional bonding and is highly harmful for future permanant relationships
Thanks to the innumerable coffee-table magazines, replete with articles on sex, the woman of today has suddenly recognized her much ignored sexual desires and requirements. They are as natural as those of the male, and need to be addressed with efforts by all men.
The men have to work hard today, to get rid of his bang-bang-thank-you-maam tendency, to give his bedtime story a happy ending. Gone are the days when women were talking just of foreplay, today the stress is on afterplay too. Men better beware and pull up their socks to master and improve their bedtime skills if they want their heroines not to step out, looking for it ,in other people’s bedroom, forgetting commitments.
Commitment doesn’t mean surrendering personalities. Each of us are unique and have the right to live lives our way, within the norms of society and without depriving others of their rights
It is important to remember that every person is an individual in his or her own right and is entitled to an opinion.The best way to have a lasting relationship is to be realistic in your expectations. Every one is entitled to make a decision that might be different from your assessment of the situation. But it is important that you do not pass judgment harshly on the other. Accept people the way they are. They have to lead their own lives. And, remember, you might well do the same in their place. Men often fail here, and make ,winning an argument an ego issue
Marriage has undergone a triphasic change over the last few decades, and now its very existence is being threatened by the demon of Divorce
Originally the marriage had fixed water tight roles , consisting of a man who provided the protection and was almost the master, of his wife who obeyed without questioning his supremacy.
As times passed and people became educated, the marriage saw a welcome change of companionship between the spouses with a willing agreement of sharing the responsibilities of the family, in and outside the house
And the third change,which has recently creeped in, has reduced marriage to a undesirable state of contract of convenience where two independent individuals spend time under the same roof, often supposedly, leading their own lives, without any emotional bond or social obligation, and with ever-ready bags to move out, not only of the house but the life of the spouse.
The major reason of this is the upwardly mobile attitude of man and woman, with career taking over family and money over emotions. The woman is no longer dependent on the man, and either can buy any pleasure in life, even though temporarily, by virtue of their money or status. With surrogate mothers and artificial insemination, and easy laws of adoption even the biological reason of reproduction, for marriage has been terminated.
This is however a very sad state of affairs, as independent or single living lasts till one is young, Divorce not only has an unrepairable detrimental impact on the kids but leaves the person desperately lonely in old age , to die alone in an old age home or a five star nursing home!
Every person should work hard in their relationship with their spouse to keep the marriage happily on, and to fight this alarmingly increasing incident of divorce
The divorce rate is increasing and this increase is being appreciated in all strata of the society and it is a very welcome relief, for the ladies, who often had to continue to be abused, mentally, financially, physically and even sexually in a so called marriage, just for the lack of courage or opportunity to demand and get a Divorce! Today, divorce and even re-marriage are being accepted by the society, and the two major factors that made it possible, are woman empowerment, and financial independence and the social acceptance. But everything good has a flip side too. The independence of woman, the ease in getting a divorce and re marriage, is a great deterrent to adjustments, compromises and in fact is redefining the definition of a marriage !
Adjustment however, does not mean surrendering your identity and tolerating atrocities in any form. It is a real shame for every member of the society and specially the men that all forms of violence, mental, physical, emotional and even sexual persist in our society in unimaginable magnitude, even today. And the tragedy is that no woman of any age group, educational or social status or from any strata of life and class of society is spared from it.
And it’s not the husband or the males who are the culprits alone, the females are tortured by in laws, family members and often children too.
Education, money, job, empowerment, all seem to be failing in curbing this social demon and I have my sincere doubts if the change in laws will be able to do anything too.
The only solution to this, till the human in such males awakens, is probably the woman herself. She has to put her foot down and say NO!
Living alone even with a single meal a day but with dignity, freedom and self respect, is any day better than living like a doormat in a family in a non existent state in perpetual fear
Its time when all join hands to give woman her due status and the shakti that she rightfully deserves and free her from the clutches of domestic violence and social exploitation
People are even talking of legalizing live-in –relationships, and have succeeded to the extent, where the law does consider it, unlawful. But what about married men and women. Are we confusing Live-in relationship, with extra marital affairs, mistresses ,the other woman and kepts as they call them ! As per my understanding, live in relationship, is when a man and woman who are legally single, live together, under the same roof, for a considerable time, without marriage. The understanding of the arrangement and the sharing of domestic duties and responsibilities and the expenditure, and the duration of the relationship, varies from couple to couple and depends on various factors.
If the mistresses, of a married man, are being included in the live-in relationships, then the government will first have to legalize polygamy ! Giving a right to the other woman to the man’s property, is almost like legalizing extra marital affairs, or polygamy, but seems that the society and law do not want to talk of extra marital affairs which are as rampant, if not more than live-in relationships.
Live-in relationships came into existence, amongst the independent, upwardly mobile people, who wanted to eat the cake, and keep it too !These are men and woman, who need the companionship and sex (which came free with what, is a personal issue) without the commitments or bindings, social or legal, of a marriage. The basis of the arrangement was a non hassle, non committal relationship, with no strings attached and no expected or predicted shelf life. The very concept is based on a bond without binding and togetherness with independence. It was the independence that was at priority, even at the stake of social sanctity and non consideration of finances and future.
Though I am an ardent believer in the institution of marriage, I have nothing against those who live-in, or even have kids out of bedlock, but talking of legalization is stretching things too far! Making live-in relations legal, and giving the woman the right to claim maintenance from the man, will actually undermine the very concept of the issue. How will it then differ from any conventional marriage? The poor man will be the ultimate sucker and the total looser!! If the woman does not want to take the responsibilities of a wife (what ever less or more, they are), or the hassles of bearing the man’s child, then why this love for his money. Isn’t it demeaning for the woman, to claim money as a compensation for the time spent with the man!
While it is mostly the woman , who is the live-in partner, in today’s time, there are a large number of single woman (separated or spinster) who are doing well in life, and who often have a male-kept! What about them, when the lady decides to dump her male partner!
Live-in relationship,temporary or permanent, is generally between financially stable individuals, who should not eye the others money or assets, especially after they break up. Legalizing this concept and giving the lady a right to a share of the mans property and to claim maintenance from him, will start a new era of exploitation of relationships, just for the sake of money, and will give the already existing money based relationships an uglier face and a dirtier twist !
All should work hard to keep the institute of marriage alive as it is not bondage but the biggest freedom. The freedom of being yourself in the presence of a spouse who will usually accept you as you are, willingly, happily and even lovingly.
In spite of all the drudgery, sham and broken dreams, marriage is still wonderful and marriage does not hamper progress and development
Dr Sanjay Kapoor Lucknow